Nothing Else Matters
by Pearl127
Summary: Post s4 TM fluffy stuff. They sort their relationship out.
1. Chapter 1

I tried to act like I was paying attention to what the agent before me was saying, but it wasn't really working. My mind was elsewhere - mostly thinking about Tony, about how lucky I was for him to miraculously return to me. They say you don't know a good thing until it's gone. No one can understand the magnitude of that statement until they've experienced it first-hand. The constricting loneliness while crying in the car, the horrifying thought that Tony had been taken away just when things were starting to look up… It was hard even to think about again.

It was then that I saw what I had been longing to see for the past twenty minutes or so, although it seemed like so much longer. Tony was striding into CTU. "We'll pick this up later," I quickly got out of my conversation, trying once again to sound diplomatic, but failing miserably.

It was all I could do to restrain myself from all out running into his arms, but I managed a fast walk. I just about collapsed into his embrace, only wanting to be close to him. I hugged Tony close, almost reassuring myself that he was really here with me, that this wasn't just my imagination showing me what I wanted so desperately to see.

At the same time, I felt suddenly exhausted. The adrenaline that had kept me going before while trying to find Tony had burned off now that he was safe and I just wanted to curl up next to him and go to sleep. "When they told me you were dead..." my voice sounded small and afraid.

"Shh, I know, it's alright." Tony quieted my concerns.

I paused for a moment, just sinking against him. "I love you," Just in case he didn't already know. "I-I didn't realize how much until I thought I lost you..."

I was on the verge of tears now - I could feel them welling up in my eyes and blinked rapidly to clear them. Normally, Tony was one of a very small number of people I would be completely open with and allow myself to cry in front of. This, however, was different. It wasn't just Tony here with me; it was all of CTU as well.

Apparently, though, Tony heard my voice wavering and understood how desperately I was trying to hold back my emotions in public. He gave me a reassuring squeeze that not only showed me he understood, but pulled me close enough so that I could bury my head in his shoulder until I got my emotions in check.

Usually, I can mask my most extreme emotions until I'm alone or with someone I trust. When I'd been in my car, the mask was off, but in order to allow myself to return to CTU with some small amount of dignity, the mask had to go back on. (As if screaming in front of everyone hadn't been enough...) Now, it was crumbling fast and I was scrambling to pick up the pieces before I made a fool of myself. The events of the day had been more than a little too much for me. Finding Tony again, only to lose him hours later. Now the shock that he was really alive was simply too much to handle.

If keeping my emotions pent up was one of my biggest flaws, the other was self-condemnation. Looking back objectively, I found more short-comings in myself than anyone else ever did, and was always afraid of others judging me as harshly as I judged myself. Despite what Tony and others had often tried to convince me, it seemed I always messed everything up, and my relationship with Tony was no exception.

I tensed a little at my thoughts and Tony must have felt it because he said, "What is it?"

"When that woman called and she told me that she…" I couldn't even finish.

Tony pulled me close again. "Hey, hey, hey… you did what you had to do."

For once, he didn't seem to understand, I felt so guilty. "But I didn't do what you did. You chose me, and I chose…"

"Look, we did the best we could, all right? Now it's over." Yeah, it was over, but in my opinion, that didn't make it any less my fault.

I sighed. There was no use going into detail now, even though there was so much more I wanted to say. _I_ at least knew my "short-comings", and the sooner we got back to work, the sooner we could leave. We would talk later.

More than ever, I wanted to get away from this place, but we couldn't yet - there was work to be done. Instead, I kissed him again. It was making up for all the time apart and letting him know just how much I still loved him at the same time in a way words can't.

I still needed to be close to Tony, though. I had lost him once and I wasn't going to let it happen again. Since we couldn't exactly hug and walk, I contented myself with simply holding his hand. When we reached the station Tony had been using for the day, I was faced with the reality that I couldn't finish my reports at Tony's station any more than he could debrief Jack in my office. Sensing my unwillingness to leave him again, Tony gave my hand one last squeeze and a quick kiss on the cheek, guessing correctly that another big public display of affection would only embarrass me, regardless of how much I needed it. In return, I gave him a soft smile before turning and walking away quickly so that I didn't have a chance to stop myself.

On the way upstairs, I resisted the urge to drag my feet behind me. Weariness was beginning to make me dizzy, and I found it hard to focus on the computer screen. I blinked but it didn't seem to help. Maybe if I closed my eyes for just a moment…

I jolted awake to the sound of my phone ringing. What I had intended to be an extended blink had turned into a short nap. "Dessler."

"Honey, it's me. I need you to do something for me, ok?"

"Sure. What is it?" I replied, trying to keep a yawn from my voice.

"Get a syringe of epinephrine and meet me in the basement in five minutes. Can you do that?" Tony's voice took on an urgency that frightened me.

"Of course… But what for?" I was still confused.

The urgency was more pleading now, "You'll see when you get here. Please, Sweetheart."

"Alright. I'll be there."

"Thanks. I love you."

"I love you too."

_Click._

The whole incident with Jack's death followed shortly after of course, but I have to be honest - it's all kind of a blur now. I was just too tired to really be paying close attention. It didn't really seem real until Jack was getting out of the car and it hit me - we're never going to see him again. He had become quite good friends with Tony and me after that day with the nuke a few years ago, back before Tony and I even started dating. Now, Tony and I knew we were saying good-bye to one of our closest friends for good.

Tony and I headed off to get some coffee, which was our excuse for leaving CTU in the first place. I have to admit, I fell asleep just after we left Jack and didn't wake up till we were back in the CTU parking lot twenty minutes later, Tony having gone in and bought two lattes already. The sleep, little as it was, had helped a bit, and the caffeine helped a bit more. I was still exhausted, but as acting director of CTU, I had work to do – several hours more work at the least. Tony waited around at CTU while I worked so that we could go home together. He helped with debriefings, reports, anything that needed to be done so that he could have an excuse to stick around.

It was hard to concentrate on work when all I wanted to do was put my head down on my desk and sleep. When I finally got it all done, it was mid-afternoon, around three, just as the new shift was arriving.

I met Tony downstairs and we headed out to the parking lot. I wasn't really concerned about public displays of affection any more and leaned against Tony as we walked, needing the emotional support as much as the physical support. I offered to drive since he'd driven last time, but he only gave me an amused, skeptical look, saying something about how he'd "rather keep the car upright". I fell asleep in the car again, and even when Tony carried me inside, I was only half awake. I don't even remember my head hitting the pillow.

I woke up two hours later, lying on the sofa in my living room. Tony was sleeping sitting up, and my head rested in his lap. I pondered what had woken me until I realized that I was starving and hadn't consumed anything since the coffee. Before that… who knew how long. I sat up quietly so as not to wake Tony and padded across the room in stockinged-feet to the adjoining kitchen.

Tony has told me once that I was the only person he knew who could wreck _toast, _and I have to admit – truer words were never spoken. So I decided my best bet was a frozen pizza. If I wasn't eating out, frozen dinners were the staple of my diet and so my freezer was well stocked.

I put the pizza in the oven, set the timer, and waited. It seemed to be taking forever so when my stomach growled for the fifth time, I ate an apple. Fruit was another thing I ate a lot of – no cooking, no preparation, just wash it off and eat it.

The buzzer woke Tony and he came into the kitchen, "I'm pleased to see you've made yourself a meal all on your own," he commented around a yawn, "Even if you had a little help from Dijourno's." he winked.

I smiled back and gave him a playful smack on the shoulder. With any other sarcastic comment like that I would have tired to make a witty come-back. Unfortunately, there wasn't really anything I could get him with – Tony was a wonderful cook and I … well, wasn't.

We ate in silence for most of the meal, just enjoying each other's company. For my part, I was more content than I had been in months. I pretended that I didn't, but I had thought about Tony a lot after we separated. I often wondered what could have happened if we'd stayed together longer, but I never believed I'd have the chance to find out until today. That was why I started working so hard – it made the pain go away like Advil for the emotions. I was successful too – probably because I had no life.

We had the next couple of days off though. It was Thursday. They were giving us Friday off to rest up, and then the weekend was another two days. For once, I wouldn't try to work overtime. I'd probably give my two weeks' notice on Monday, and fourteen days later, we'd be free of CTU for good. I didn't know the details Tony's provisional reinstatement, but I figured they wouldn't need him much more than two weeks anyway – just long enough to get this mess mostly cleaned up.

"Still tired?" Tony drew me out of my thoughts just as I was nibbling the last few bites of pizza crust.

I nodded earnestly. "Are you kidding? Two hours of sleep in 36 hours isn't close to enough. And little enough before that…" I added as an afterthought.

"You must've had a lot of work, huh?" He asked, also finishing up his dinner.

"Yeah."

I realized, as if for the first time, although I'd subconsciously known, that Tony and I were both still in our work clothes, and I was suddenly uncomfortable in my suit. I shifted in my chair for a few moments before asking, "Do you want to go back to sleep?"

"Sounds like a good idea seeing as you're sleep deprived," he paused, apparently taking in my wrinkled shirt and disheveled hair, while considering his own lack of personal up-keeping, "and I think maybe a wardrobe change is in order, too."

"I was just thinking that."

"I guess I should head over to Jen's for a change of clothes or something. I was going to put it off until tomorrow but…"

"No, no. You don't have to. Here…" I started walking to my bedroom. Tony flashed me a confused look and then followed.

I opened my closet and pushed aside several hanging dresses and pairs of shoes to reveal a dusty card-board box. It hadn't been opened – or even touched – for a long time, but I'd kept it around just in case. I dug around in the bottom, past wedding pictures, a floppy disk storing old emails, a silver heart necklace, till I found what I was looking for.

Tony took his old grey sweats and Stanford t-shirt from me, still confused. "You still have these?"

"I kept a few things from when we were married in this box. I couldn't bring myself to look at them, but I couldn't throw them away either. I always liked to sleep in those, remember?"

Tony nodded, a little amazed, I think. "Of course I remember… I just didn't think you'd…" he trailed off and smiled, pulling me in for a hug. "Thanks. I'll go get changed."

It wasn't awkward or anything, but we weren't _that _comfortable around each other again. So, Tony changed in the bathroom while I slipped on some flannel pajama pants and a tank top in the bedroom, then slid into bed, lying on my side, pulling the cover up around my neck.

Tony joined me moments later, wrapping his arms around me from behind and bending his knees with mine. He planted a kiss in my hair and then rested his chin on top of me head. I cuddled up against him placing my hands on top of his where they rested against my stomach.

Neither of us said anything, we were just trying to doze off again. Surprisingly though, I couldn't fall asleep. Judging from the way Tony's breathing had deepened and evened out, he'd fallen asleep several minutes ago. Instead, my mind had wandered back to my guilt-ridden thoughts from before, about how our marriage had gradually spiraled downward from Tony's first day in custody, and mainly how all of it was my fault. I wanted to wake Tony up so that we could talk about it, but he sounded so peaceful behind me. Besides, he was just as tired as I was and deserved to be undisturbed.

I swallowed the lump in my throat. This wasn't working. Tears were flowing freely across my face and onto the pillow. After all this time it didn't seem real – or even fair – that Tony was here with me. And I didn't need anything except to be near him and sleep knowing that his arms were around me again.

I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't even realize I was sobbing again. I swallowed forcefully, trying to take deep breaths and calm myself down, but it simply wasn't working. I had been too emotionless over the past months to hold back now, not when I had Tony back, and not after almost losing him again.

When he first said "Michelle…?" it was groggy and sleepy. I bit back another sob, hoping he'd go back to sleep, but I wasn't entirely successful and I felt myself shaking in his arms.

"Michelle?" he sounded not only more awake, but more concerned. He took me by the shoulders and rolled me over so we were facing each other. He spent a few seconds taking in my blood-shot eyes and tear-stained face, while I searched his gaze, judging his reaction before he pulled me close to him in a tight hug. I started crying again, harder this time. I felt bad about waking Tony up, but I knew I needed this so badly that it hardly seemed to matter.

Apparently realizing we'd be up for awhile, Tony slipped one arms behind my knees, while still holding me against him with the other, and brought us both to a sitting position in one swift motion. Tony ended up sitting cross-legged while I sat sideways across his lap. He rocked back and forth slowly, stroking my hair with his right hand and rubbing his left up and down my back soothingly. He knew from experience that I just needed to cry it out before I would be ready to talk. Besides, I was crying so hard at the moment that I was literally incapable of speech.

When I had cried myself dry, I sat sniffling against Tony for a few minutes, getting my breathing under control and collecting my thoughts. He waited patiently for me to speak. "I… I'm sorry…"

Tony gave my shoulder an encouraging squeeze. "Hey… it's ok. You've been through a lot today."

"No…" I whipped my eyes with the back of my hand. "No, not for that. For everything, for messing it all up."

"You mean this whole kidnapping thing? Michelle, I told you, it was – "

"I know, I know. The best I could do," I paused. "But what about everything else? There's no excuse for that."

"For what sweetheart?" his tone was patient, but I knew he was more concerned than he let on.

"For screwing up our whole relationship." I was crying again now, but I talked around it. "For going into the Chandler Plaza Hotel before NSA got there, for questioning your authority after you got shot, for getting kidnapped, for not being understanding when you got back from prison, for giving up on us and walking out… I'm so sorry, Tony. It's all my fault."

Tony had pushed me back from him and was staring at me with a look of disbelief. Didn't he get it?

I don't know what I expected from him at that point, but it certainly wasn't what happening. Tony pulled me against him against him and resumed rocking. I felt a few of his own silent tears fall into my hair. It was a few moments before he spoke again. "Chelle, every one of those things is just as much my fault as it is yours. You must know that by now. _I _was unfit to work after being shot, _I _didn't realize you were doing the right thing by entering the hotel, _I _wasn't understanding of you either after I got out of jail, and if _I _hadn't pushed you away, you wouldn't have left. I love you, Michelle, I just didn't realize how much until I lost you," he added, repeating my words from before at CTU. He pushed me back again, looking me in the eyes so I knew he was telling the truth. "You know that, don't you?"

I nodded and hugged him tightly, so immensely relived that Tony hadn't blamed me for this after all this time. The forgiveness felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

We sat like that for a few minutes before Tony broke the silence. "I love you."

I smiled against him, "I love you too." And nothing else mattered.


	2. Chapter 2

_/A/N: Sorry it took so long to post this! I've been busy and I've had a little bit of writer's block. Anyways, hope you like it! R&R please./_

When I woke up, it was a beautiful day. The sun was slanting through the gaps in the blinds, exposing dust particles that floated in the streaks of light on their way to the wall. There was no trace of the rain from last night and only a few wisps of clouds were left. The precipitation had washed away all the exhaust that usually litters our city sky-line and left only a crystal-clear, blue sky.

But when I first woke up, I didn't know any of this. I didn't even open my eyes. Everything was so dark and warm and safe, and at first I didn't even realize that anything was out of the ordinary. Here I was, lying next to my husband, as things had always been and always should be.

And then I remembered.

Everything came crashing back to reality – not just the events of the previous day, but everything that had happened in the past year. The fights, the separation, the reunion, I realized it all then. The previous twenty-four hours had been more like a dream than reality. I was so tired that I couldn't really focus, couldn't really compute what was happening. There was a job that needed to be done, and that was the priority. Now, I knew.

But I pushed these thoughts from my mind because I realized also how lucky I was to find myself a happy ending after all. None of this mattered. None of this could ruin my perfect moment. I inched a little closer, if possible, to Tony and burrowed a little deeper into his arms.

I heard a soft exhale that was really a barely contained chuckle. Tony was awake and watching me sleep again. He's always loved doing this, since the first morning of our honeymoon. He says I do that often – cuddle a little closer – and he thinks it's cute. As if in response, he pulled me tighter against him and stroked my shoulder with his thumb.

I wanted to just lie there forever in this perfect contentment, but I figured even Tony was getting sick of just lying around looking at me. I opened one eye and looked up at him. "Morning," I said and closed it again.

"Morning to you too, sleepy-head," he replied with a little laugh. "You really must've been tired. Look at the time."

"Mmm…" I grumbled. "You look at the time. I'm comfy here."

He gave another chuckle. "It's 9:30! You've been sleeping since 6:30 last night."

My stomach grumbled on cue. "And I haven't eaten since then either." I finally decided to extract myself from the covers and propped myself up on one elbow. "How about some breakfast?"

"Sounds like a plan."

Somewhat reluctantly, I rolled over and sat up with my legs dangling off the side of the mattress. Tony followed me into the kitchen and his arm found its way around my waist, pulling me in for a quick kiss. We'd had too many close calls, too many false alarms in the past days and months to just let things be. We needed each other. It was as much of a gesture of love as "Is this really real?" It was like that brief space of time just after Tony got back from prison. Every second that we were together counted that much more.

I knew what he was feeling – I was feeling it too. We'd come too close to losing each other one more time, and it was _not _going to happen again. More than anything, I needed the reassurance that he was still there – that he was really there. The unique calm that Tony's touch always seemed to bring was even more something than it had ever been before, and we relished every moment of it.

Tony set about making our favorite – omelets – using the meager ingredients of my refrigerator. I smiled a little. Things were finally going back to how they should be. _Our _favorite. _Our _bed. _Our _house.

Tony caught me in my daydream. "What are you smiling at?" I'm sure he knew full-well what.

"Oh, nothing." I gave him a brilliant grin that meant he was on the right track, but I wasn't going to say it.

Our talk over breakfast was light and easy banter. Some of it was catching up, but I wouldn't define the conversation that way. For the most part, we were more ready to forget the past few months apart that we were to fill each other in on them. Nevertheless, we were willing to talk about whatever needed to be talked about. Almost.

However, there were two subjects that neither of us dared touch upon – Bill and Jen, each of our significant relationships during our time apart. For me, I wanted desperately to know about Jen, but at the same time, I didn't want to know. I wanted him to reassure me and to tell me that he never really liked her and that it wasn't that serious. But at the same time, I was afraid of what I might find out – that he _had _loved her, that his time with her wasn't that bad, and worst of all: that he'd slept with her.

It was terribly selfish of me, I know. After all, it was me who left him. He had every right to go out and start a new relationship, but that didn't make it sting any less. All in all, the wound was too fresh and I wasn't ready to broach the subject yet. Little did I know how quickly it would be thrust in my face.

After the meal, we had a slight pause in conversation as we tried to figure out what came next. We'd rarely had a whole day all to ourselves, even when we were married. There was almost always work in the morning. Even if one of us had the day off, the other almost always seemed to have something pressing to attend to at the office.

"Well, what are we going to do today?" I asked.

Tony pondered for a moment, apparently trying to find the right words to articulate what he was thinking. I was about to prod him with a "Go on," when he finally spoke up.

"Listen, Michelle… I uh, I know this isn't any easier for you than it is for me – harder, probably – but I need to wrap things up with Jen."

/_Oh. That._/I didn't say anything at first, not because I was angry, but because I didn't know what there was to say.

He, however, seemed to take it that way because he defended it: "You know I love you infinitely more than I could ever love anyone else, but I at least owe her the courtesy of an explanation, even if it's only to say good-bye."

He said the last part so regretfully that I felt a pang of jealously swell up, as much as I tried to suppress it. Why was I so worked up about this? Tony had just told me how much more he loved me, so why couldn't I get over the fact that he'd been with someone else, even for just a little while?

I pushed these feelings aside. Besides, the sooner he went to talk to Jen, the sooner I wouldn't have to worry about her anymore. I took his hand across the table and gave him what I hoped was a look that exuded resolute confidence. I was sure he was even more worried than me about the potential outcomes of this conversation. "Alright. I understand."

"Do you want me to go with you?" At first, I offered to go with Tony in case he wanted me there for… well, I don't know why but I thought I should offer out of politeness.

He thought about it for a moment and then vetoed it. "I don't know… I think it would be better to go alone."

I nodded. He was probably right. I'm sure Jen didn't want to see me, and frankly, I didn't want to see her either. Plus, Tony could have some time on the way there and back to collect his thoughts alone.

So about an hour later, after we'd each gotten ready, I found myself in front of the TV, pretending to be watching, but not really paying attention. Earlier I'd been pacing, but that was too frustrating, so I forced myself to sit down. Tony had been gone a half hour already. Jen lived about twenty minutes away, so I was sure he'd arrived by now. I didn't know how long he was planning on spending there, but it couldn't be _that _much longer, could it?

In the uncertainty, I started to play all sorts of absurd scenarios through my mind, the forefront of which was always:

_What if he just doesn't come back?_

As crazy as it sounds now, I couldn't shake the thought from my mind. Restless and a little worried, I resumed pacing for I don't know how long. When I got sick of that, I sat down on the couch again and waited. When I heard the key in the lock, I sat up straight hurried over to the door.

I barely let him get through the door and set his box of things down before I pulled him in for a kiss. I opened my mouth and let his tongue explore my mouth and his mine. It was a passionate kiss, a grateful kiss, and neither of us seemed to want it to end.

When we finally pulled apart, Tony let his forehead rest against mine. From the way he looked at me, I could tell that Jen hadn't taken it very well, or at the very least, it hadn't been a pleasant discussion. I looked at him closely, trying to read his eyes for some sort of explanation, but he was being very closed.

"I missed you," was all he said, and it was all I needed to hear.


End file.
